Sexuality As Barter: Not A Good Idea
February 5, 2011 2 Comments
by Sunna
Ladies, I propose …
That next time you have a chance to get laid (especially after you haven’t been laid for a while) by an attractive guy and the atmosphere is good and you are horny… then DO IT. Stop thinking you have to first find out “where this all is going”.
In general, if you want to have a fulfilled sex life, it is advisable to give yourself when you feel you want to and not hold yourself back. Give yourself as a gift, without ever asking for anything in return (spoken or unspoken). There is nothing sexier for a guy than a strong woman expressing what she wants. If a guy gets frightened when you are yourself and ends up running away – – you are much better off. The ones running away from authentic self-expression are, in my experience, not the guys you want to spend much time with, especially not “the rest of your life”.
If having good sex is a priority in your life then don’t use your sexuality to barter security or commitment. The kind of commitment (and the kind of guy) you get using your sexuality as barter, will most probably turn out not to be the one you have always dreamed of.
The real commitment is the one given freely. Relationships will go where they are meant to go, if you let them. If you want to find “Mr. Right” don’t load all your expectations on him at first sight, let the love grow.
And if you are not looking for “Mr. Right” right now because you have already found him: Treat him exactly the same way – give yourself freely, don’t barter – and see what that will do for your love life.
If you wonder what makes me tell you all this: I have had the luck to experience a community that allows men and women to find out more about themselves and their sexuality by embracing “free love” (how can love be anything else?) and offering support for the issues that are always coming up. I have met my partner of 10 years at this community, we have had an open relationship ever since. We (and our relationship) have changed over the years, but one thing has never changed: That we love each other and respect each other. And for that reason we don’t barter, we just give.
What can you loose anyway? Nothing wrong with a passionate night of love making with no future, at least in my book. And passion and love are indeed two very different brain states (not mutually exclusive, of course), turns out we approach passion in a much more rational way than previously thought.
Stay tuned for more on love, sex and sensuality at Sunna’s Salon. I am going to delve deeper into the question of how “going primal” with your food choices can affect other aspects of your life. Please share in the comment section – don’t hold yourself back!
daiasolgaia 
Do you believe we form energetic cords with those with whom we share our bodies? If we are open and sharing with many people, can our lives get complicated and burdened by the weight of too many cords?
What about those people who want Mr. Right and give their bodies away, only to have those men leave them again and again. Doesn’t it make sense to honor your body, your sexuality, your power by reserving it for someone who has earned you through their commitment to you?
Good question, thank you. Yes, I believe we do form energetic “cords” with people that we are intimate with. Which leads me to be selective WHO to share my body with. However, I also have experienced that these cords can be “cut” again if we choose so, it is the ongoing energy we put into a connection that keeps it alive. I have, in the past, gone back into a situation and consciously cut the cord because I felt I needed to. I don’t believe that we are ever victims to anyone else or the experience we had with them. The point here is that we can choose complete control over our energetic connections just as we can choose control over every single other aspect of our lives.
Our lives get complicated when we do not take full responsibility for our own reactions to other peoples behaviors and not because we interact with too many people or have too many cords. If we find a cord is not resonating with us after creating it – we can choose to simply let the experience be, enjoying it in retrospect for what it was, or energetically go back and cut the connect. You choose, you experience, you choose to go there again … or not. Nobody else is responsible for our own emotional makeup but ourselves. Victim hood is something that only exists if we believe in it.
If a sexual connection is made with full personal responsibility, then it can be a one night stand and be totally complete afterwards. I am thinking back to one experience I had that was quite straight forward, clearly only for the moment and both parties were respectful of each other. The guy was very sweet and made a point of coming over and saying good bye when he left the community the next day. Ravi (my partner) and other people were around when he did and it was a very “grown up” encounter. It was also clear that we would very probably never see each other again (or care to). I never felt that the cord that we created that night was a burden for my life. In fact, every time I think back (and I don’t even remember his name) it makes me feel happy because the encounter obviously enriched us both. The open sexuality was clearly a new thing for this man and he was not very experienced with it, but he had quickly understood that mutual respect was the one important aspect for it to be good.
In retrospect, I have chosen for intimate experiences for a wide variety of reasons – many that could be later judged “good” many that could be judged otherwise – but it is in going through all such experiences that I have gained insight about myself and others – and I have had quite some nice times along the way.
To the second part of your comment: I don’t think you can ever “give your body away” – this sounds like in the old days when a girl “lost everything” after making love to a guy once, got pregnant and that was “the end of her options” in life. Happily, we don’t live in a world like this anymore. If men are leaving you again and again, you might want to look inside to find out what that has to do with your own beliefs and your own responsibility. What are you trying to prove to yourself? That you are not worth having that relationship with a man that you long for? Are you scared of the commitment yourself?
I sincerely believe that only letting go of all expectations (judgments, pre-conceptions, etc.) can lead you into a healthy relationship with a good base for the future. With expectations in your way, you will never really be able to see who someone is, it is like wearing yellow sunglasses, the world will always look yellow. You might even forget you put those glasses on and start believing that the world actually is yellow. Take them off and you will see what is there. This allows you to make more informed and intelligent decisions in the first place.
Yes, I think it makes sense to honor your body, but what does that really mean? I am committed to a goddess tradition and feel that honoring my body is letting it be sensual and playful, not controlled and restricted. I don’t think you honor your body by “reserving” it, no. And you most definitely don’t honor your power as a female by using your body and your female-ness as a lever against the men you wish to engage. You would, in my opinion, honor your power by trusting yourself to choose appropriately in the moment and then deal with the repercussions – good or not so – when they arise. Enjoy in the moment, let the future bring what it will, and trust you can then choose yet again which direction is best. Simple.
And, if you actually “save yourself” for that “someone who has earned you through their commitment” you are doing nothing else but bartering. It is the good old wild west way (or puritan, if you want, it’s is the same in principle) of trading your sexuality for security or money.
Do we really still need to do this?